Wow, it’s been two weeks since the last time we chatted. I missed you all so much! I hope you all enjoyed New Moon and Thanksgiving as much as B-Girl and I did! But, it’s time to get our asses back to work. Anyone need a reminder of where we are up to this point….
We know that Edward and Bella tried to play a dangerous game of “
BFF: Sink The Pink”, but failed because of Bella’s
UN-copulated confession …
dumb hoor…no...wait more like…dumb not-a-hoor…she really should have kept her mouth shut. But even still, WTF Edward…you were RIGHT THERE…girls can get a blue balls too, ya’ know? Well, ok, so we don’t actually have balls, but we can get… umm…i don't know…
V.C.D.S. (V’jay-jay Cock Denial Syndrome).
YES…It’s a totally real thing. You’ve heard of it, right? It’s a kind of illness that can cause violent emotional outbursts, resulting in John-Bobbit Syndrome, Long Island Lolita Disorder and the Glen Close Boiled Bunny Flu, all of which could be fatal to the asshole that owns that cock that originates the onset of the…v’jay-jay…blocking. It’s some scary shit. Believe me…I’ve had it before.
Anyway, Bella thought Edward didn’t want her. Dumb Ass! Then Edward got a case of mush mouth and couldn’t fucking spit out how he felt about her before she ran off, bawling her damn eyes out. Then she left for AZ…with Jake. Can’t believe Jake didn’t try to hit that. Dumb Ass! But Edward did sneak into her room in the middle of the night, before she left, and left her his Cullen hoody and a stupid fucking note that said “Be Safe”. Dumb Ass! Maybe you should have woke her up and told her you loved her, Edward. Again, what a fucking Dumb Ass!
Now, Bella has stayed in AZ weeks longer than she planned. She had all but decided that she was going to stay in Arizona until Rose spilled the beans about a member of the “Skankettes” trying to get all up on Edward nuts. Now, Bella has decided to head back to Forks. But this time, she is going to turn the tables on Mr. ALWAYS-The Chased, NEVER- The Chaser! This shit is about to be off the fucking hook!
Oh, here comes Edward in all his cinnamony, hot, stickiness now! *whispers* Oh, by the way, I’m so worn out from the last two weeks, I’ve decided to leave the Christian Louboutin’s in the drawer. I’m just to mentally wiped and probably couldn’t be held accountable for my actions if he looked at those fuckers and licks those sexy lips again, like he did last week. I’m honestly just too tired to exercise the necessary self control to deal with all that today. But don’t worry, they will be making another appearance in the near future.
Krysti: *from safely behind her desk* Hey Sexy! I guess that rumor about you not sleeping since Bella left was true. You kind of look like the walking dead, babe.
Edward: Hey Krys. How ya’ doing, Cougar? *winks and smirks before sitting down and running hands over face* Don’t I fucking know it, Krysti. I guess I just got fucking use to listening to the damn songs before bed. Now, I just feel like something is ‘off’ when I try to sleep. *shrugs*
Krysti: When Bella called, why didn’t you try to talk to her? Why did you pussy out and let Alice get on the line? I’m sure, after eight weeks, you had plenty to say to her.
Edward: *looks under Krysti’s desk, checking her shoes* Sorry, I had to check *smirks* ya’ know, with you throwing around words like “pussy” I was almost scared to answer. * chuckles* Anyways, fuck that, pussy is my area of expertise… however, I am not one. I was just fucking totally caught off guard, and then she fucking totally blew me off, asking for Alice. I think I would have looked more like a ‘pussy’ if I would have begged her to stay on the fucking on the phone with me, right? *raises a questioning eyebrow*
Krysti: I don’t know, Edward. It’s not my place to determine what would or wouldn’t make you look more like a pussy, but it seemed like a missed opportunity for you to speak to her. Hey, speaking of pussy opportunities…I heard you’re going to the dance with Lauren? Are you sure that’s a good idea? She is pretty…uh…”skanky”! *makes a disgusted face* What did Emmett call those girls…”Skankette’s”? Emmett is so damn funny. You really should tell him to come by and say hello sometime. *smirks as if thinking about a private joke*
Edward: *smirks* Emmett, huh? Sure, I’ll bring him by. He is a funny fucker. *leans in closer* Krys, just watch your ass with Rose, ok? *leans back laughing* Yeah, so I am going to the lame ass dance with her. Fucking kind of called her at my weakest point but fuck that, if Bella can fucking move on why should I? Em’ was right. It’s not like she was ever my girlfriend or anything. * pulls out lollipop* Plus, I have been fucking celibate for months now and she is not even coming back home. I may be a lot of things Krys, but I am a fucking guy, an eighteen year old guy, mind you * smirk devilishly*
Krysti: *thinks to self …”celibate for months? Shit…is it too late to put those shoes on? focus, focus, change the subject”* Edward, have you considered the fact that IF Bella decides to come back to Forks, she may not be the same “Bella” that you knew? She has been doing a lot of self reflecting and spent a lot of our talking to Jake about why things happen the way they happen. What if she is changing, Edward? Are you prepared for that? And on the flip side, what if she never comes back at all, Edward. Then what?
Edward: *clenches jaw* She is not fucking coming back. Don’t you fucking get it? I fucking heard her tell Alice. But thanks for the fucking reminder Krysti… Are we done? *put lollipop back mouth*
Krysti: *sighs* Yes, we’re done. Lucky for you, I feel about as tired as you look. Well, I guess I will see you next week. Try to get some sleep, ok? And by the way, the shoes will definitely be back next week. *winks*
Edward: Yeah, I’ll fucking try to sleep but as far as those shoes go, I just told you I’m an eighteen year old guy that hasn’t had any in months…you might end up getting more than you bargain for if wear those fuckers next week. *smirks and waves with a single flick of his rest while walking out of the room*
Krysti: *whispers to self* Only if I’m fucking lucky!
Anyone else notice how quickly JMF (Jealous Mother Fucker) popped up at the mention of Bella and Jacob? Hmm? He still seems awfully irritable for someone that has decided to move on, don’t ya’ think? Granted, he could just be acting pissy from lack of sex. Seriously, did he say months? I’d be a more than a little irritable if I went months without gettin' some. Hell, I’m a raging fucking bitch after one week. I bet he's one horny little fucker by now. Hmm...maybe I should add a push up bra and a super short skirt to those shoes next week….
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOUNCY72
~ Love Krysti, B-Girl and Textward
Source: Kickass Always & Never Banner created by @Robmusement
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