Saturday, November 14, 2009

Dear Mr. Robvember

Dear Rob,
Every morning, I wake up and rush my husband and kids out the door as quickly as possible so I can run to my laptop and see what goodies the "Robvember Fairy" brought us today! I wait, with bated breath, as my Tweetdeck loads. I know that @ROBsessedBlog, @RPlife and @ThinkingofRob will not fail me. They will post the coveted links to your gorgeosity from today's New Moon event.

As, the page loads and the pics become visible, a mix of emotion pulses through my veins. First, the initial panty pooling hits. are truly SEX ON hot lickable man beast. That strong manly jaw, those perfect lips that beg for mine, those long, long, long, *moan* long fingers, the neck that yearns for my bite, those beautiful eyes looking right through the lens of the camera, looking directly at me. Oh gawd...yes, baby, bite that lip while you look at me through those lashes. That's it...*pant*... that's the way I like it. Oh damn, that was fast, excuse me while I make a quick panty change.

Ok, I'm back. *look of suprise* What is this I see on my screen? The Robvember Fairy left a video while I was gone!! God bless her! Oooh yeah, I love videos. Let me hear that seductve voice Rob. Tell me all about it baby. Tell me why vampires are better than those nasty dogs. Tell me how you like you like the New Moon book the best. Tell me that you CAN'T love someone without making love to's not platonic, is it...oh gawd no, don't stop. Yes, keep going, tell me how you want to make sex toys with your face on 'em and how they'll broken and without batteries. "Lit'rally" tell me every detail. I want to know it all. *Gasp* I love your're so sexy bastard....give me some more of that crooked smirk with that raised eyebrow, while you laugh out loud. Oh yeah...right there...just like that. You know what I like baby. Uh-oh...damn, I can't believe you get me there so quickly...excuse me while I make panty change number two.

*Deep breath* Whew, ok nothing new from the Robvember Fairy while I was gone...I'm actually kind of glad. I need a breather. My head is swimming and my knees are weak. But since I have this little break I'll go back and take a better look at those pics. It's much easier to concentrate, now that I have two unicorns behind me. Ok, ROBsessed, lets take look at your vast sea of Rob yummy's.

*waits for laptop to load the page...again* Ahh...Paris the city of romance and love. When this pic loads I bet you'll be lovely in beautiful suit made by a french designer...I can't wait to see what your...WTH??
Ummm, Rob, honey...did you have a rough night? Was it a turbulant flight that caused you to be up all night, thus making you oversleep and not have time to shower, shave or brush your hair? poor baby. Your handlers are so fail for not doing a better job of looking after your well being. I'm so sorry sweety. I'm sure London will be bettter.

*waits, AGAIN, for new page to load* "Ahh...London. You must be so excited to be home after all this time. I hope you have a chance to visit with your family, even if only for a....WTF? Rob, dear, what's up with that coat? You look like a little boy in your daddy's oversized outerwear. And again, with the hair? Ok, I know things were a little stressful last night, with the late flight from Paris (*lowers voice, looks around suspiciously* and that little hand holding incident...but no worries no one even looks at those pappzi pics) But even still hun' couldn't you have found at least five minutes to jump in a quick shower. A little soap, a little might be a good idea...just sayin'. Oh, and incase you weren't aware, most hotels have laundry service and they would be more than willing to have that shirt pressed for you. I'm sure Stephanie or Nick would be glad to help you get your clothes pressed before the Madrid event. I'm so glad we had this little talk. I feel better getting that off my chest. But don't worry these Paris and London fashion faux pas do not, in any way, sway my swooning and adoration of your sexiness. We'll just move on and put this embarassing moment behind us.

*waiting for pics to load...def putting a new fucking laptop on the Santa wish list* "Ahh....Madrid. I've never been to Madrid, but I hear it's one hell of a spicy spanish city. Hmmm...well...*sigh*...ok, so the jacket is better today...the pants are nice, but that shirt...and those fuckin' shoes...Ive tried to leave the shoes alone since this little web lusting began today, but what the hell, ROB? Ok, I get it. You're not into the way you look. You're not a superficial, shallow, celeb that needs to be seen in designer duds in order to know who you are. I get it...I really do but C'MON WASH YOUR FUCKING HAIR!! You're killing me Rob. You know I have that little hair fetish "thing". You're making me feel all twitchy and itchy with that dirty do. Hey, I have a great idea. What if I jump on a plane real quick and come wash it for you! *giggles* sounds fun, right? Me, you, shower, hot steamy water and some sexy smelling shampoo and body thats what I'm talking about. You know I'm  right. It's ok, I forgive you and you know I'd still be more than willing to jump your sexy ass, dirty hair or not.Let's move on to Munich, ok?

*yeah, yeah..,you know my laptop is a p.o.s. no need to rehash the deets* "And here we go...Munich...hmmm, still on a razor strike I see. But, honestly, I can live with that...I don't prefer the scruff but it doesn't effect your status on the scale of lickability. *inpsects the hair*...I can't give your hair the sparkly clean, seal of approval at this time. While I do think at least a touch of  water and a brush have made a recent appearance in that quaff...I'm not totally convinced shampoo was an active participant. And as far as the suit is concerned...*sigh* Rob, my love, do you remember Japan? Do you recall the GQ photoshoot or the Oscars even? Now that is how you wear a fucking suit. If you turn your pretty little head 45 degrees to the left you will see a young man,'s Kristen, it's ok, I know the mullet makes it hard to tell, but keep going, slighty past Kristen...yep, yep, that one. That adorable young boy with the pretty well made suit. No, Rob, I don't know why 40 year old women have those pervy thoughts about him...yes I know he's under age and  they should be ashamed. But, the point is, he's only 17, but he gets it. He knows that a suit probably shouldn't be paired with the dirty stretched out undershirt you wore to bed last night. It kind of hampers the panty dropper effect that a suit is SUPPOSED to convey. Do you understand now? Good!

Between now and the end of the month you are going to have a lot chances to practice the lessons we've learned today. I really hope you think about these things. When you're in the hotel tonight take a moment to ask yourself these simple questions...#1 Have I showered in the last 24 hours? No? Then you probably should consider it...and wash your hair WITH SHAMPOO while you're in there. #2 What clothes am I going to wear to the event tomorrow? Will I be wearing something that is currently wadded up and shoved in the bottom of a dufflebag right now? or is it laying in a pile on the bathroom floor? Yes? Then you need to call Sephanie and inquire about using the hotels LAUNDRY services. Yes, Rob, the hotels you stay at actually have such a thing. #3 Should I consider dropping the razor strike today? Rob, love, I will leave this one up to you. But sometimes stubble can be irritating to the skin on my inner thigh...just saying.

I'm so glad that we've had this time together Rob. I know that you struggle with the do's and don'ts of the fashion world and lucky for you, you've never set the bar very high yourself so we don't really expect much. Just a shower and shampoo will make a world of difference. Yes, I know girls scream at you and beg you to do naughty things to them, even when you're dirty and smell bad, but I promise we'll love you more when you don't smell like a dirty piece of ass.

Hugs and kisses my love,
Your Favorite Unhealthy Addict *mwah*

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Always & Never Edward's Interview Chapter 4

Just to give you all fair warning, Edward’s probably not in a great place right now. Not that I can blame him, I mean how emo would you be if you were milliseconds away from fucking your hot, drunk best friend, that you’re secretly in love with, then just as your ready to pump her like a beach ball, she tells you she’s a virgin. *SCREEEECH* Then, like the big dumb ass you are, you freak the fuck out, making her think you just don’t want her. THEN…instead of just using your head, ya’ know the one with the brain in it, you let her have a melt down and storm out! And just because that wasn’t enough to make you want to jump off the highest bridge…while you’re on your way to go apologize, your sister stops you and tell you that you’re a no good, dirty mofo, heartbreaker . Whew…yeah…you’d total feel like shit after all that, right?

Well, that’s not the end of the story….to make things even WORSE…after you sneak into her room you find out she’s getting middle of the night messages, on a secret yahoo account, from a surprise visitor, who secretly came here to fly home with her, and just happens to keep reminding her that you’re an asshole. “Holyfuckingshit”…doesn’t even begin to describe how fucked up this situation is! So, yeah…Edward might not be in a “good” mood today! *inhales deeply* Yep, speaking of the sexy devil, I can smell the hot cinnamon coming down the hall now.

Krysti: Hello, Edward. Thank you for coming into the office today. I wasn’t sure if you’d actually show up.

Edward: *flops down in a chair, runs hand through hair and over face, pulls out cigarette lights it taking a long drag* I didn’t either Krysti. *Shakes head* I am here for two fucking reasons. First, B-girl would kick my ass if I didn’t come. Second….*Takes another long drag, shrugs* Everyone just assumes I’m the fucking asshole right now and I just don’t fucking want to be around any of them. Sorry Krys, no offense. *shy smile*

Krysti: And here I thought it was my irresistible personality and fuckhawt good looks that brought you here today! *smirks and dramatically flings her hair over her shoulder* I heard everyone’s being pretty rough on you right. Alice really let you have it, huh? Why didn’t you just tell Alice what happened and explain how you really feel about Bella?

Edward: *smirks at Krysti, cocking eyebrow* Fuckhawt huh? *shakes head and releases a barely audible chuckle* So, anyway Krys, about Alice… *rolls eyes* Alice is my twin but I fucking swear, sometimes it feels like she was adopted. She really tries to do the right thing, but fuck, I need my space sometimes. And she doesn’t know when to stop. I didn’t know what the fuck to say and I didn’t have time to get into. She is very close to Bella and she could slip up. I just can’t fucking chance that. I fuck things up enough on my own. Clearly, I don’t need anymore help in that department.*shakes head taking another long drag*

Krysti: *nods head in agreement* Edward, what are you going to do if Bella sleeps with someone else while you’re waiting around to grow big enough balls to tell her how you feel about her?

Edward: *glares at Krysti, leans forward snuffs out cigarette in ashtray, clenching fists* Krys, are you fucking kidding me right now?! This fucking interview is over *Gets ready to stand up, cocks questioning eyebrow at Krysti*

Krysti: *jumps out of her chair, pointing at him, daring him to cross her* OH, NO YOU DON’T!! I strongly suggest you just keep your ass in that chair and think about this shit. But, since I know you’re going through a lot of shit, I’ll move on for now but at some point you’re going to have to deal with that fact that Bella will sleep with someone.

Edward: *Sits back down, glaring at Krysti* That “someone” will be me and only me. Got that Krys? Next fucking question *clenching jaw*

Krysti: *puts hands up in surrendering* Fair enough. But I’m curious Edward, you said up until that night, Bella had never shown any signs of wanting you in that way. Are you seriously going to tell me that you had never even suspected or had the slightest hint that she was in to you, like that?

Edward: *Leans forward resting arms on knees* I don’t fucking know. I mean, I never really read into things to much. Bella and I were always joking around, hanging out. Fuck, I can’t tell you how many times we have slept next to each other. W-When you’re that close to someone, it’s a fine fucking line between what’s really going on and what you want to be going on. Ya’ know? *shrugs*

Krysti: I can relate to that. *rolls eyes* Speaking of what’s really going on, I listened to the song you sent Bella. Are you sure that was the right song to send her? I mean, it could be misinterpreted?

Edward: *Take in deep breath, exhales loudly, runs hands through hair* Fuck! Well, NOW I don’t know? I fucking thought it was at the time. Bella knows me and I would hope she would see what I meant by it…Shit Krys! What do you think?

Krysti: I don’t know, hun. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Well, you will be happy to know B-Girl has decided to let you skip the reader questions this week. She knows you're going through a lot right now and most of the questions would probably require you to go deeper into you're story then she thinks your ready to right now.

Edward: No shit? *nods head and flashes a crooked smirk* That’s why I fucking love B-Girl, she always looks out for me. *stands and walks to the door* Well, I guess we’re done then.

Krysti: I’ll see you next week, Edward. And good luck figuring out how to fix this mess. *returns wave to Edwards single wrist flick wave as he disappears down the hall*

Sexy, fuckin’ bastard is going to wear me out! *opens bottom desk drawer, pulls out a bottle of Stoli filling the empty coffee cup on her desk*

Don't forget to comment! I love to hear your thoughts on Edward and the interviews!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

ALWAYS & NEVER: Chapter 4 Teaser

I know!I know! Chapter 3 was a rough one. But we all knew the angst was coming, right? It wouldn't be kickass fanfic without panty soaking lemons and world crumbling angst, would it? HELL NO IT WOULDN'T!!

So, let's do a little review to catch up to where we are now: Bella and Edward become best friends...she falls in love with him...they send each other cute little Always & Never texts and send each other songs to fall asleep to. Then Bella has to go to AZ to visit her mom...the Cullen's throw a going away party...Bella drinks A LOT..Edward DRINKS A LOT...Bella tells Tanya to fuck off...Bella does some dirty dancing with Jacob...Edward gets jealous and plays tonsil hockey with Bella on the beach before taking her back to his house with plans to do a little horizontal tango of his own. Bella has a minor panic attack in the bathroom but decides to go for it...her and Edward kiss their way to the bed...their clothes disappear...Edwards anaconda snakes it's way through the grass to the opening of the rabbit hole but just as its about to slide in and snatch his prize, Bella says something that makes him realize she's a virgin. Edward freaks...Bella cries...Edward has brain block and can't explain why...Bella has a case of emo self deprication and thinks Edward doesn't see her as a sexy woman and just doesn't want to poke her with his disco stick. Bella leaves with Alice and Edward is'll just have to wait for Chapter 4 to get the anwer to that! But in the meantime here's a little something to wet your whistle unitl Bostongirl gives us the goods on Tuesday.........

....I made the familiar climb up the tree to Bella’s window. Fuck, I was practically a professional at getting in her window by now. I could see it was still open and I thanked God for that. The last time her and I had a fight, she fucking locked the thing for a whole week straight. I made my way silently into her room. Not that it fucking mattered much. Charlie was working tonight and Bella was out cold. I put my phone on vibrate just incase. I didn’t need that fucking thing going off and waking her up...

Hmmm??? Is it just me or is anyone else wondering what he's doing in her room? Obviously, he's up to something because he's being awfully cautious not to wake her? WTF Edward? I know you're not a fucking stalker, right? Are you? Then why in the hell are you being so sneaky? Damn, I guess we'll have to wait until Tuesday to find out!