Monday, January 25, 2010

Who was that Bearded Man??

First, let me start by saying I commend the efforts of Rob Pattinson and all of the celebs that took the time to help raise money for the Hope for Haiti Telethon! And a huge thanks to all of the Twi-fans that did their part to contribute to the $57 million that was raised to help that devastated country.

That being said…now lets move on to the fuckery that was Rob Pattinson showing up to said, Worldwide Televised event looking like some sort of Charles Manson, Unabomber love child.

On the morning I popped over to Robsessed and saw that our sexy boy’s participation in this event had been confirmed. I felt like a little girl anticipating Christmas morning. Thoughts of sugar covered S.O.F. Rob was dancing in my head.

The drought would soon be over. The rain of RPattz would soon be coming to quench my thirst. I envisioned singing in the rain! I would stick my tongue out and catch the Robby drops on my tongue…well ok, so I would lick the screen, but a girl can use her imagination, right!?

Then, Friday finally arrived. I was glued to my laptop waiting for the imminent papz pics of Rob arriving to the studio. I was practically buzzing with excitement, ok so maybe it was the vibrating sparkle peen that was buzzing me, but you get my point. Then it happened…the first pic’s broke. Oh my gawd...what the hell is this shit?

My beautiful Rob looked like some sort of deranged psychopath being walked into the state penitentiary. I thought at any moment we’d get a pic of "Security Agent Protect Rob’s Ass" throwing cuffs on Rob’s wrist and a coat over his head. WTF, Rob? All he needed now was an orange jump suit.

I held hope that maybe the telethon coordinators had a staff and hair and makeup folks that would hack that shit off his face but NO…that wasn’t the case.

As the telethon aired I saw Rob, my gorgeous squared jaw, beautiful lipped, soft skinned, fantasy fall apart before my very eyes. I wanted to cry real tears as I heard my Robby’s silky voice come forth from the hair ball that sat atop his shoulders. It looked like a walking talking, sparkle peen toting version of something my cat hacked up. The lips...gone. The jawline...hidden. Why, Rob? Why?

I closed my eyes and heard the words…Twittah updates, Facebook pages…ahhh yes…that’s my baby. But when I opend my eyes….WHAT THE HELL…close your eyes, close your eyes….bleach, bleach, I need to burn out the images of Rob looking like that.

I won't even comment on the clothes, because well, honestly, I never set my expectations very high when it comes to Rob's wardrobe choices. I have just come to prepare myself for his dumpster diver fashion flare.

But the that's another story. As a money dropping, blog reading, career supporting fan...I EXPECT to see the panty dropper face during major appearances. On his own personal time, he can look however he wants, but in a scheduled public setting...that's fan time as far as I am concerned and I want my fangirl monies worth. Am I wrong, ladies?

But loving Rob, as I still do and always will, I am going to chalk this up to just getting a little to relaxed during his rare time off. I decided to put together a little guide for Rob to use for future appearances, just in case he needs a reminder of what he should or should not look like during NATIONAL TELEVISION APPEARANCES.

A little yummy scruff is good

Grizzly Adams is Bad

Visible Lip/Tongue Action is Good

Hiding those lucious smackers is bad

This is just wrong, Rob. It's just wrong. Are you using this beard to hide from papz and fans? Ok, I get that, but you could at least trim it to a neater, EVEN look. Are you suffering with a mega grunge gnarliness for your role in Bel Ami? Ok, I can live with that too but CLEAN AND BRUSHED goes a long way.

For whatever reason you feel it necessary to sport this nasty face bush right now, you could have at least compensated by wearing a nice pair of kickass peen revealing jeans, that hugged that ass you don't have. I could have handled that. But's all fail. Total fail! Please come back Rob, please be this sexy smiling, hair fisting man again...

I really miss him!!