Breaking Dawn Calendar - Bouffants, Constipation, and Other F*ckery

Hey ya'll! I haven't had a chance to blog much lately. I've been super busy.

Ok, that's a lie. The truth is, when I'm not working or being football mom, I'm reading Emancipation Proclamation by Kharrazmatik. If you haven't read it you need to... like NOW! It's THE best fanfic I have ever read.

Another reason I haven't blogged lately, I just haven't had much to say.

You know what they say... "if you don't have anything nice to say... join a robsten or nonsten thread!" Hahaha!! I'm just kidding.

Please don't leave me shitty comments, it was just a joke. ;-p

Anyhooooo...

A certain piece of fuckery was released this week and it bugged me enough to drag my ass to the blog today. I couldn't let it go... I just have to bitch about this.

Seriously, what is this...

It's just wrong on so many levels.

The first time I saw it, all I could hear was Chester Cheetah screaming "It ain't easy bein' cheesy!" in the back of my head. 

Honestly, when I saw this picture, I didn't even realize it was the calendar. I actually thought it was an ad for a new "Twilight Saga in Wax" display for Madame Tussuad's. For a minute, I thought they were actually going to have one that finally looked like Rob. I was wrong.  

The entire picture is just bad, really bad. Why does it look like the cover of a corny romance novel? And it looks so fake, animated almost. I know I'm tech-tarded, but I can't tell if this is a bad digitally enhanced photoshop or did someone just go airbrush crazy with the real photo?

Even if some art department flunky got a little carried away and let their creative juices flow a bit too freely... what executive putz looked at this and said. *insert deep voice* "Oh, that looks great, lets go with it"?

Whoever it was, needs to find their ass in the unemployment line... or back at Harlequin where they came from.

Ok, let's really take a look... shall we?

Exhibit A - Why does Edward look constipated? I can't decide if this is digital fuckery or if this is a result of Rob actually being constipated when they did the shoot. Too many cheeseburgers, maybe? I mean, too much cheese can back up the plumbing? Maybe Edward should add a fiber supplement to his diet of deer and mountain lion...? And who punched him in the face and flattened his nose?

Exhibit B - Why does Bella have a bouffant? I thought that was Twilight Edward's thing? She looks like Loretta Lynn circa 1960. She is the Police Chief's daughter not the Coal Miners daughter. And further more, why is Bella's hair the exact same color as Edward's? Is this a side effect of be bitten by him, or maybe a result of too much Eddie vamp jizz? After so many headboard busting sessions your hair suddenly turns bronze or what? If that's the case, sign me up... I'm totally willing to rock the bronze locks.

Exhibit C - Can someone tell me why Edward looks emaciated? Look at how thin his arms appear to be. His chest looks completely sunken in. It's practically concave. Edward is supposed to be marble. Hard as a rock (hehehe! Sorry but Edward and hard in the same sentence make me think naughty things... still wishing for the bronze hair!) Anyway, Edward is supposed to be chiseled. No?

I'm sure it doesn't help that he is slouching. Maybe they couldn't find a step stool that was tall enough for Taylor so they were like, "Hey Rob, can you slouch a little so we can make this kid that's 4'2" look like he's 6'2'? Mmm kay Thanks!"

Exhibit D- I know Jacob is supposed to be buff and all, but seriously? His bicep is just ridiculous, completely unproportioned to the rest of his body. And is that supposed to be a vein or something? FYI ... when veins are popping out of your arms like that, it's often a sign that your muscles were "artificiallly enhanced". Lay off the juice, Jake! It will make your balls shrink up!

Exhibit E- Wait a minute, does the kid have man boobs? The way Taylor's chest is jutted out, sort of reminds me of one of those Looney Toons cartoons, where the character puffs out their chest really big, and then cinches his belt really tight, "trying" to look big and tough. Actually, I'm more shocked that he is wearing a shirt at all.

Exhibit F - And when did Bella get a boob job? Or did I just miss the part in the book where Bella had a D cup? If that was the case, I doubt Edward would have stopped at the leg hitch in Eclipse!  

I was going to let this go at Exhibit F but I have to mention this as well... Why are they all wearing the same shade of lipstick? After watching the hospital scene in Twilight a hundred thousand times, I guess I should be used to Edward's fondness of lovely lip color, but come on. These movies have made a bazillion bucks...they can't afford to give them each their own shade? *insert eye roll*

I admit, I am a total BD leak hoor. I have seen every leaked pic and every leaked video. That Edward thrusting video... WOW...holy mutha' of busted headboards...! Then Summit released the OFFICIAL trailer and I was happy as a little freakin' lark, counting down the days to November.

For brief moment, I was actually convinced that when people see this movie, they would finally understand why we live for this crap. Why we love this man! I was actually ready to bust out my Team Edward shirt in public... other than just at midnight showings.

(I'm praying that they leave all that hot sex in the movie... I doubt they will, but this hoor is keeping the faith.)

BUT THEN, just when I think we're on the right track, Summit releases this calendar fuckery and I'm dejectedly crawling back to my closet, embarrassed that people know I'm a Twihard. Dammit!

C'mon Summit, you can do better than this. Help us be proud to love Twilight! *sigh*