Friday, October 2, 2009

The Friday Fail : Fanfic Contortionism

As I'm sure you all know...I love me some hot, steamy Twi fanfic! If you have any doubt about how much I love this shit...just check out this previous post: Help! I'm Addicted to Fanfic!

But recently, while reading some of my fav fanfics, which shall remain nameless, I noticed that some of the lemony smut just doesn't exactly measure up. I'm not saying they aren't melt in your mouth hot and sticky because they always are. And I'm sure as hell not referring to the constant hard on that Edward is tortured with through almost every story...because we know that his anaconda MORE than measures up. I'm talking about the PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE kind of measure up.

Will someone please explain to me how Bella can be laying on her stomach, with Edward laying on top of her, with his big...hard...throbbing...twitching...mouthwatering...lickable...moan inducing (oops, sorry I got caught up...hold on just a sec while I wipe the drool off my chin)......cock pressed against her ass and then while nibbling her neck, he raises HER leg, placing it over HIS shoulder so he can rub her clit with one hand, while at the same time he's rubbing her perky tit with the other hand and tangling his fingers in her hair while facing her and staring into her eyes ALL AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME..WTF?!?!

Did I miss the page in the Twi Saga books where Steph wrote that Edward had three arms or where Bella was a circus performing contortionist??

Seriously! Explain to me how in the hell he can pick her up, press her against the wall with his warm body, eat her out and whisper dirty shit in her ear all at once?? C'mon now...I've seen some freaky porn with some ridiculously flexible bitches in my life but it ain't happening folks! Sorry!

Far be it from me to judge anyone's preference for freaky positions. There isn't one of us out there, including myself, that doesn't have some kinky favorite that's just "spot on"...if you know what I mean. But be real people...some of that fanfic freakiness just ain't ever gonna' happen in real life!

So, how do we continue to enjoy our fanfic while trying to get passed the ridiculousness of the impossible porn? Please...we could care less if it's possible or not. We love that shit so much and we'll read it, love it, brag about it, break our necks trying it in our own beds and beg their asses for more of it.

I love fanfic writers! They rock my world and I don't even want to think about the horrid detox I'd have to go through if they all stopped writing today but they really should re-read those lemons before posting!

The "Unhealthy" Moral of the Story: If you can lie on your stomach with a sexy man laying on top of you and then lift your leg up on his shoulder...please send me a pic...because I gotta' see that shit!


Jackie said...

So fuckin' funny!!!!!!!! lovin this post!!! so true too, if you get that pic I wanna see it!! must be from the "cirque du soleil" Edward and Bella hahahhahahah ROTFLMAO! Luv ya babe this was great!

Mrs. Robward said...

Um thanks! This is a BIG ol' pet peeve of mine! When I write, I try to be VERY detail orientated!

realistic ppl!


i wanna see the pics too!

Amanda said...

lmaoooo i agree with you and Jackie "cirque du soliel" wtf? LMAOOOOOO

Anonymous said...

that's HILARIOUS! And SO true, I always reread mine and am VERY thankful for my prereaders and betafish for catching any.. strange body actions!

Anonymous said...

This is so funny...and so true! I was writing a lemon yesterday, and, every few minutes, I'd close my eyes and imagine which hand would have to go where and how it would have to move for things to be possible. Makes for, um, interesting writing ;)

yoga ninja mama said...

i love love love this. too funny and TOO TRUE.

@afragilelittlehuman: thank you for imagining the lemon positioning while writing, because i assure you your readers are doing the same thing. and it needs to make sense. hahaha :)

i'll look through my family photo albums for my "crazy contortions during sex" photos, and send them over right away!

uhmm P.S. my verification word is "SNECTURD". snecturd, really? turd! *snicker*

SabriVampire said...

jajajjaja That was great!!funny funny funny I'm still laughting hahaha

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