Saturday, November 14, 2009

Dear Mr. Robvember

Dear Rob,
Every morning, I wake up and rush my husband and kids out the door as quickly as possible so I can run to my laptop and see what goodies the "Robvember Fairy" brought us today! I wait, with bated breath, as my Tweetdeck loads. I know that @ROBsessedBlog, @RPlife and @ThinkingofRob will not fail me. They will post the coveted links to your gorgeosity from today's New Moon event.

As, the page loads and the pics become visible, a mix of emotion pulses through my veins. First, the initial panty pooling hits. are truly SEX ON hot lickable man beast. That strong manly jaw, those perfect lips that beg for mine, those long, long, long, *moan* long fingers, the neck that yearns for my bite, those beautiful eyes looking right through the lens of the camera, looking directly at me. Oh gawd...yes, baby, bite that lip while you look at me through those lashes. That's it...*pant*... that's the way I like it. Oh damn, that was fast, excuse me while I make a quick panty change.

Ok, I'm back. *look of suprise* What is this I see on my screen? The Robvember Fairy left a video while I was gone!! God bless her! Oooh yeah, I love videos. Let me hear that seductve voice Rob. Tell me all about it baby. Tell me why vampires are better than those nasty dogs. Tell me how you like you like the New Moon book the best. Tell me that you CAN'T love someone without making love to's not platonic, is it...oh gawd no, don't stop. Yes, keep going, tell me how you want to make sex toys with your face on 'em and how they'll broken and without batteries. "Lit'rally" tell me every detail. I want to know it all. *Gasp* I love your're so sexy bastard....give me some more of that crooked smirk with that raised eyebrow, while you laugh out loud. Oh yeah...right there...just like that. You know what I like baby. Uh-oh...damn, I can't believe you get me there so quickly...excuse me while I make panty change number two.

*Deep breath* Whew, ok nothing new from the Robvember Fairy while I was gone...I'm actually kind of glad. I need a breather. My head is swimming and my knees are weak. But since I have this little break I'll go back and take a better look at those pics. It's much easier to concentrate, now that I have two unicorns behind me. Ok, ROBsessed, lets take look at your vast sea of Rob yummy's.

*waits for laptop to load the page...again* Ahh...Paris the city of romance and love. When this pic loads I bet you'll be lovely in beautiful suit made by a french designer...I can't wait to see what your...WTH??
Ummm, Rob, honey...did you have a rough night? Was it a turbulant flight that caused you to be up all night, thus making you oversleep and not have time to shower, shave or brush your hair? poor baby. Your handlers are so fail for not doing a better job of looking after your well being. I'm so sorry sweety. I'm sure London will be bettter.

*waits, AGAIN, for new page to load* "Ahh...London. You must be so excited to be home after all this time. I hope you have a chance to visit with your family, even if only for a....WTF? Rob, dear, what's up with that coat? You look like a little boy in your daddy's oversized outerwear. And again, with the hair? Ok, I know things were a little stressful last night, with the late flight from Paris (*lowers voice, looks around suspiciously* and that little hand holding incident...but no worries no one even looks at those pappzi pics) But even still hun' couldn't you have found at least five minutes to jump in a quick shower. A little soap, a little might be a good idea...just sayin'. Oh, and incase you weren't aware, most hotels have laundry service and they would be more than willing to have that shirt pressed for you. I'm sure Stephanie or Nick would be glad to help you get your clothes pressed before the Madrid event. I'm so glad we had this little talk. I feel better getting that off my chest. But don't worry these Paris and London fashion faux pas do not, in any way, sway my swooning and adoration of your sexiness. We'll just move on and put this embarassing moment behind us.

*waiting for pics to load...def putting a new fucking laptop on the Santa wish list* "Ahh....Madrid. I've never been to Madrid, but I hear it's one hell of a spicy spanish city. Hmmm...well...*sigh*...ok, so the jacket is better today...the pants are nice, but that shirt...and those fuckin' shoes...Ive tried to leave the shoes alone since this little web lusting began today, but what the hell, ROB? Ok, I get it. You're not into the way you look. You're not a superficial, shallow, celeb that needs to be seen in designer duds in order to know who you are. I get it...I really do but C'MON WASH YOUR FUCKING HAIR!! You're killing me Rob. You know I have that little hair fetish "thing". You're making me feel all twitchy and itchy with that dirty do. Hey, I have a great idea. What if I jump on a plane real quick and come wash it for you! *giggles* sounds fun, right? Me, you, shower, hot steamy water and some sexy smelling shampoo and body thats what I'm talking about. You know I'm  right. It's ok, I forgive you and you know I'd still be more than willing to jump your sexy ass, dirty hair or not.Let's move on to Munich, ok?

*yeah, yeah..,you know my laptop is a p.o.s. no need to rehash the deets* "And here we go...Munich...hmmm, still on a razor strike I see. But, honestly, I can live with that...I don't prefer the scruff but it doesn't effect your status on the scale of lickability. *inpsects the hair*...I can't give your hair the sparkly clean, seal of approval at this time. While I do think at least a touch of  water and a brush have made a recent appearance in that quaff...I'm not totally convinced shampoo was an active participant. And as far as the suit is concerned...*sigh* Rob, my love, do you remember Japan? Do you recall the GQ photoshoot or the Oscars even? Now that is how you wear a fucking suit. If you turn your pretty little head 45 degrees to the left you will see a young man,'s Kristen, it's ok, I know the mullet makes it hard to tell, but keep going, slighty past Kristen...yep, yep, that one. That adorable young boy with the pretty well made suit. No, Rob, I don't know why 40 year old women have those pervy thoughts about him...yes I know he's under age and  they should be ashamed. But, the point is, he's only 17, but he gets it. He knows that a suit probably shouldn't be paired with the dirty stretched out undershirt you wore to bed last night. It kind of hampers the panty dropper effect that a suit is SUPPOSED to convey. Do you understand now? Good!

Between now and the end of the month you are going to have a lot chances to practice the lessons we've learned today. I really hope you think about these things. When you're in the hotel tonight take a moment to ask yourself these simple questions...#1 Have I showered in the last 24 hours? No? Then you probably should consider it...and wash your hair WITH SHAMPOO while you're in there. #2 What clothes am I going to wear to the event tomorrow? Will I be wearing something that is currently wadded up and shoved in the bottom of a dufflebag right now? or is it laying in a pile on the bathroom floor? Yes? Then you need to call Sephanie and inquire about using the hotels LAUNDRY services. Yes, Rob, the hotels you stay at actually have such a thing. #3 Should I consider dropping the razor strike today? Rob, love, I will leave this one up to you. But sometimes stubble can be irritating to the skin on my inner thigh...just saying.

I'm so glad that we've had this time together Rob. I know that you struggle with the do's and don'ts of the fashion world and lucky for you, you've never set the bar very high yourself so we don't really expect much. Just a shower and shampoo will make a world of difference. Yes, I know girls scream at you and beg you to do naughty things to them, even when you're dirty and smell bad, but I promise we'll love you more when you don't smell like a dirty piece of ass.

Hugs and kisses my love,
Your Favorite Unhealthy Addict *mwah*


HungryVampire said...

Holy crow girl... Loved this!!! Very um descriptive... LOL

bouncy72 said...

Hahahaha, lol, all pretty true. This must have taken you ages. YAY for Robvember - It's got New moon & my birthday...guess which I'm more excited about...haha, New Moon OF COURSE, lol soz I'm feeling random.

Honolulu Girl from Trueblood Twilight said...

LOL! You're too funny. Even though I adore Rob, honey I agree with you on all points.

wants-an-edward86 said...

LOL!!! love it....ugh and all those pics are very drool-worthy :) the VF photog should get a prize of some sort...raise, statue, etc for having every woman and girl simultanesouly gasp when they either logged on and saw the pics or received the actusl issue!! *le sigh*

*Stoli_Princess* said...

lmaoo this is the BESTTTT post! u truely *cough* nailed rob in the head! lmaoo that poor man, he def needs sum .... assistance! LMAOOO

Post a Comment